Last time I was here, it was just a few hours before the exam. At that time, I was studying, because I was worried I would fail, though I was certain that I could pass with what I knew. I have an exam tomorrow afternoon, and I really don't feel like studying. I don't know why. I've noticed that I've lost what I've known to be my sex drive. I know that sounds weird, but I seem to have no interest in pursuing a relationship. I don't know if this is because I no longer have confidence in myself, or I'm just stressed from all that is going on. Really, I shouldn't be in this position. I'm not the type of person who lays down their arms and quits. I fight to the end, even if I'm certain I won't succeed. Perhaps it's because I feel I have it all figured out. Maybe I'm scared of leaving the school. It's possible. I mean, I don't even know what I want to do after. Those that continue onto their masters either go into research, or use their masters degrees to get a decent job. I'm using this to empty my mind, because I want to know what I will say when I'm asked about my life. I've been talking to people less then usual. Perhaps it's because of the military. I really hope doing basic now will be worth it in the end. I've given up valuable time that I could have at least used to become better rested or review . . . bah, who am I kidding. I wouldn't have studied more. Last year at the end of the school year I had as good as given up. In the end I usually just try to keep my head above water. It makes it hard on me, I know. I just meet the minimum, because I can't get myself to work now. I know I will pay for this. Well . . . maybe not. Maybe it will all work out, because I'll do something that doesn't require a degree, or if it does, they won't care about my marks. Isn't it that your people skills end up being what matter? Maybe that's what I'm counting on. I wonder if I'll ever go back and read this over. I hope I do. What would be the point really of putting down your thoughts while troubled and then not gaining the knowledge of how you feel when you let yourself get into a position of not knowing how you will do. Or maybe I know what it's like when I'm not sure what will happen, and therefor I don't worry when I am in that situation. Isn't that what all the games have always been like? You just play along . . . then if you win, you win, and if you lose, you lose. Life as I see it though shouldn't be seen that way. When you leave things to chance in the real world, you're putting yourself in danger. Mortal danger. When you leave things to chance in games, you're not risking anything. That is why they are so desirable. There is no investment in it. You just play, and have fun. Lots of the fun comes from knowing that no matter what happens in the game, you won't have to worry about it, because it's not important enough. That sounds like kind of a cop out though. Ok, I think I'm jumping down your throat a little to fast here. What I mean to say is you only get out what you put in, right? When it comes to games, you need not put much in, and and therefore need not get any out. Esp. in your case though. You just play 'for fun', but you do this for hours on end. You know that after the first few games your brain is tired and done with it, but you like the mind numbing insignificance of it all, so you continue. This is not the right way to develop your brain. You need to actually experience new things once in a while. Really, that's why you allowed yourself to be signed up to this bmq program, because you knew you needed to get out. The funny part is that now that you are out, you don't really feel privileged to be among others. Instead, you'd rather learned it yourself, with one other individual. Perhaps this is where all your feelings are hiding. You don't feel the need for a partner, yet you feel the need for a partner. Maybe this is the 'mentor' that was described in that book 'Ishmael'? Either way, you need to enrich your life. What was the saying again - "we shouldn't thrash at the branches of the problem, but instead hack at the root". That's what you should be doing. What was it also that you said? 'It's not that I want to be running away from something, but that I want to be running to something'. What ever happened to that saying? That's actually pretty smart. Another way to say that is "define goals". That is what you should have been doing. Jesus, I just realized I tried that before, but I didn't have the commitment that I thought I needed. What happened this semester though? You got killed on most of your tests . . .
There is very little I can say to the above, because we've been over this a million times. Give it a few days. Maybe you'll feel better after Wednesday. Do your best not to fail anything, and try to obtain at least above 60. Oh my God. The papers. I need the papers. They reminded me of my attempts, and I was able to build from them. I feel now that they helped you more then you thought. They were a history of your struggles. From they you learned how to learn. Dammit. This will be your new paper. Write in it frequently enough that you don't forget about it. Do what you can - that is all that can be asked of you. Till next time . ..
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