26 hours before the exam

There are 26 hours left until my first exam. I honestly feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I did all the assignments, and attended all the classes, but I feel like I haven't picked up a thing. Well . . . maybe not a thing, but certainly not enough to justify taking the class. Is it me? Is it because I'm a bad student, or is it the system? Either way, I know that I need to let this out, because it's eating me up inside. Every time exams hit, the same damned thing happens. I stress and fret and stress and fret, and it never seems to make a difference. Why stress? Why fret? Sure, I realize the closer that I get to exams that I need to study, and at some point I just hit the breaking point where I open the books, and try not to let my eyes wander, but even then I can't seem to stay fully focused. Even now, while writing this I feel my mind wandering on to other things. I thought before that I might have something like ADD, and I tried to get 'tested' for it, but they just said no. Why can I not focus on something for a decent amount of time? Why have I not been able to refine my concentration over the years that I've been at this university? You would thing that after 27 damned courses, I would be able to sit down and read a book without my mind jumping to other things. Or perhaps that's what good minds do. Perhaps they are on one topic, and are then able to jump to other topics without needing a break. Naw, that doesn't seem right. I mean, if it was right, then why wouldn't people who had trouble concentrating on one thing along be at the top of the chain. No. I've made up my mind. The people that are the true benefactors of society are those that are able to keep their minds on one thing, and do that thing well. I said it yesterday that I know that it's really those people who are very oriented to one thing, and are not necessarily that receive the the most recognition. Now lets try to relate that to life as we know it. I play first person shooters. Correct me if I'm wrong. Isn't it the people that play shooters really well that get to go to big tourneys, and make money? What if they like to read? What if they are good at sports? None of that matters, because in the context of working at something, and becoming good at it, if you are good at it that's all that matters. To be good at something that needs focus, you need to put all other things out of your mind. I know that you fear becoming some sort of linear thinker - becoming someone who only sees a few certain things in the world, and has other things pass him by, but by trying to get everything, you are losing what society is trying to provide for you that gives you greater powers of observation. We are on an abstract tangent here. What I'm trying to say, is that in trying to preserve your impartial point of view of the world, you are not allowing yourself to become fully engrossed in something, because you fear it will dominate  your way of thinking. Perhaps this comes back to religion. Of course we don't want to get into that because we've been down that road before, but you need to come out of the box more, and you need to do it more frequently then just times that you are trying to procrastinate. You have a lot of potential, and you've been gaining strength and momentum, but you are allowing your (what you think is a broad view of things, while being impartial) point of view of the world, with your pessimism, to get in the way of your success. Not just that, you are holding on to old habits that are sucking up all your spare time, because it distracts you from reality. I'm really not sure what to say here. You're just sitting here, writing a small book, first time blogging, and here I am, just waiting to see what you will come up with next. You need a freaking life man. You are trying to get out, you are trying to meet new people. You are trying to become a better academic. When was the last time you watched or read the news? When was the last time you read a book that wasn't part of a series that you enjoying gaming with? When was the last time . . . well, I guess for traveling, you did do that last summer. What else did you do? Oh yeh, 6 hours of computer games a night. I must say, that is fairly impressive, that you were able to blow that much time on a video game. Of course that isn't uncommon for you. Now, I'm noticing that you pretty much just separated your consciousness from your body. Inna way that might be a good thing, cause I can see myself looking down at your hands, as they type out these words, and you're doing pretty well. You are capable. You honestly don't give yourself enough credit sometimes. In fact, quite frequently. Good idea, better get that keyboard forwards so you won't develop carpel tunnel syndrome. It's kind of funny. Here you are, sitting, writing, spending relatively valuable time, letting your thoughts empty onto this computer screen, rather then studying. Here's an interesting question. Which one would actually benefit you more? You've been prattling on for, oh, about 20 minutes now. How long do you sit at the table, and stare off into space getting nothing done? Here's another question. How important is it to you that these words actually get read by someone else? Does it matter to you? Or does it matter that you just get the words out. I remember the last message that you sent to juni, and you said that a big reason you wrote so much detail was because you had to get the words out of your head, because it allowed you to have a better perspective on the world. What about with school. The information starts outside of your head. Then you just gotta cycle it through . . . I wonder how people start another sentence after doing those three dot things. I wonder, I wonder, I wonder. There seems to be a lot of wondering going on. It is curious now - since I'm said so much now, does this mean that I will feel more inclined to shut up later on, or does this open the floodgates? I can understand now how people can sit in front of a computer, or type writer, and just keep going. It's because they are letting their thoughts out, and peoples brains are great at making up shit. Well, that sounds rather degrading. How about this. See how you are able to concentrate after this - how much info you can take in from your school work - then report back to me. Sound fair? It is fair. Till next time . . .