Night before 2nd exam

Last time I was here, it was just a few hours before the exam. At that time, I was studying, because I was worried I would fail, though I was certain that I could pass with what I knew. I have an exam tomorrow afternoon, and I really don't feel like studying. I don't know why. I've noticed that I've lost what I've known to be my sex drive. I know that sounds weird, but I seem to have no interest in pursuing a relationship. I don't know if this is because I no longer have confidence in myself, or I'm just stressed from all that is going on. Really, I shouldn't be in this position. I'm not the type of person who lays down their arms and quits. I fight to the end, even if I'm certain I won't succeed. Perhaps it's because I feel I have it all figured out. Maybe I'm scared of leaving the school. It's possible. I mean, I don't even know what I want to do after. Those that continue onto their masters either go into research, or use their masters degrees to get a decent job. I'm using this to empty my mind, because I want to know what I will say when I'm asked about my life. I've been talking to people less then usual. Perhaps it's because of the military. I really hope doing basic now will be worth it in the end. I've given up valuable time that I could have at least used to become better rested or review . . . bah, who am I kidding. I wouldn't have studied more. Last year at the end of the school year I had as good as given up. In the end I usually just try to keep my head above water. It makes it hard on me, I know. I just meet the minimum, because I can't get myself to work now. I know I will pay for this. Well . . . maybe not. Maybe it will all work out, because I'll do something that doesn't require a degree, or if it does, they won't care about my marks. Isn't it that your people skills end up being what matter? Maybe that's what I'm counting on. I wonder if I'll ever go back and read this over. I hope I do. What would be the point really of putting down your thoughts while troubled and then not gaining the knowledge of how you feel when you let yourself get into a position of not knowing how you will do. Or maybe I know what it's like when I'm not sure what will happen, and therefor I don't worry when I am in that situation. Isn't that what all the games have always been like? You just play along . . . then if you win, you win, and if you lose, you lose. Life as I see it though shouldn't be seen that way. When you leave things to chance in the real world, you're putting yourself in danger. Mortal danger. When you leave things to chance in games, you're not risking anything. That is why they are so desirable. There is no investment in it. You just play, and have fun. Lots of the fun comes from knowing that no matter what happens in the game, you won't have to worry about it, because it's not important enough. That sounds like kind of a cop out though. Ok, I think I'm jumping down your throat a little to fast here. What I mean to say is you only get out what you put in, right? When it comes to games, you need not put much in, and and therefore need not get any out. Esp. in your case though. You just play 'for fun', but you do this for hours on end. You know that after the first few games your brain is tired and done with it, but you like the mind numbing insignificance of it all, so you continue. This is not the right way to develop your brain. You need to actually experience new things once in a while. Really, that's why you allowed yourself to be signed up to this bmq program, because you knew you needed to get out. The funny part is that now that you are out, you don't really feel privileged to be among others. Instead, you'd rather learned it yourself, with one other individual. Perhaps this is where all your feelings are hiding. You don't feel the need for a partner, yet you feel the need for a partner. Maybe this is the 'mentor' that was described in that book 'Ishmael'? Either way, you need to enrich your life. What was the saying again - "we shouldn't thrash at the branches of the problem, but instead hack at the root". That's what you should be doing. What was it also that you said? 'It's not that I want to be running away from something, but that I want to be running to something'. What ever happened to that saying? That's actually pretty smart. Another way to say that is "define goals". That is what you should have been doing. Jesus, I just realized I tried that before, but I didn't have the commitment that I thought I needed. What happened this semester though? You got killed on most of your tests . . .

There is very little I can say to the above, because we've been over this a million times. Give it a few days. Maybe you'll feel better after Wednesday. Do your best not to fail anything, and try to obtain at least above 60. Oh my God. The papers. I need the papers. They reminded me of my attempts, and I was able to build from them. I feel now that they helped you more then you thought. They were a history of your struggles. From they you learned how to learn. Dammit. This will be your new paper. Write in it frequently enough that you don't forget about it. Do what you can - that is all that can be asked of you. Till next time . ..

2 Hours before exam

Hello again. 2 hours to go. I'll tell ya, after that last posting that I made (which was pretty much a small book), I felt a fair bit better. I think I'll continue this blog - not for people who may be reading it, but for the sake of my own sanity. I was reading yesterdays, and I pretty much started having a conversation with myself halfway through. Now, buy most standards, that would be considered weird. I don't find it weird, but that's just because I know that if I didn't, I wouldn't have been able to say things the way I wanted to. I honestly heard of someone who bought a blue tooth headset just so that they could get away with having an open conversation with themselves in public. 2 hours. Oh Je-sus. This is going to suck. Well, I at least feel that way. I have no idea how to feel about this exam. I got together with some people yesterday, and I seemed to be following everything that was going on, so I can be fairly confident. It's funny though, cause we got into the conversation of confidence, and the guy that I was talking to - who, by the way, did a double major in math and computer science, with honors in computer science, and is now getting into waterloo with a scholarship - told me that he is super confident, so when he was doing assignments, he felt that when he go a different result then what the book said, he was just like 'o well, book must be wrong'. However, when the final rolled around, he still did really well, and since the exams in math here are 100% finals, he was all good. I need to be more confident. I need to know, or perhaps just believe, that what I'm doing is right. This way, I can proceed through too the end of something, without getting caught up at one point or another. That's what always happened before. I'd be going through a question, and hit a small snag, and just sit there, and try to figure out what is going on, or what went wrong, when I should continue, and see if I can finish the problem. That way, I learn the rest of the method for this question, and if I hit any other snags, I can just add them to the list, and get everything clarified at once with the prof. I really sell myself short sometimes. On the other hand, one could argue that I need to figure out the problem in front of me, rather then dance around it. Perhaps. Now that I think about it, I seem to recall that I generally adopt the picture loading method. I know that that isn't actually a method, but here's what I mean. When a picture loads with dial up, it starts with a really blotchy image. Like, you can't see whats going on. The it loads a second layer of detail. Then a third. Then a forth. It keeps going until the whole image is as pixel perfect as it should be. This way, you pick up all the rough details first, then narrow down to the fine details with better observation. But wait a second . . . wouldn't that justify not studying until the end of a course? I mean, if you just went to class, and learned what you could without really studying, then studied your ass off for the final, getting all the fine points - doesn't that match the analogy? I seem to recall that courses are taught the same way that a puzzle is put together. You start with the border, then get all the easier pieces, then work on the remaining pieces. But then again, that's a situation where all the pieces are provided to you. What about when you only get, say, the first 100, then the next 100. Come to think of it, the 100 that they give you should form a component of the puzzle anyways. So by that logic, you could wait until you have all 1000 pieces, then put the whole puzzle together at once, or you could put the 100 together for every 100 that you are given, even if you do not know what the final puzzle should look like. Hrmmm.. . . Now it's just getting yourself to do those 100 pieces, knowing that they don't care about whether or not you put them together until they have given them all you . . .

Till next time . . .

26 hours before the exam

There are 26 hours left until my first exam. I honestly feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I did all the assignments, and attended all the classes, but I feel like I haven't picked up a thing. Well . . . maybe not a thing, but certainly not enough to justify taking the class. Is it me? Is it because I'm a bad student, or is it the system? Either way, I know that I need to let this out, because it's eating me up inside. Every time exams hit, the same damned thing happens. I stress and fret and stress and fret, and it never seems to make a difference. Why stress? Why fret? Sure, I realize the closer that I get to exams that I need to study, and at some point I just hit the breaking point where I open the books, and try not to let my eyes wander, but even then I can't seem to stay fully focused. Even now, while writing this I feel my mind wandering on to other things. I thought before that I might have something like ADD, and I tried to get 'tested' for it, but they just said no. Why can I not focus on something for a decent amount of time? Why have I not been able to refine my concentration over the years that I've been at this university? You would thing that after 27 damned courses, I would be able to sit down and read a book without my mind jumping to other things. Or perhaps that's what good minds do. Perhaps they are on one topic, and are then able to jump to other topics without needing a break. Naw, that doesn't seem right. I mean, if it was right, then why wouldn't people who had trouble concentrating on one thing along be at the top of the chain. No. I've made up my mind. The people that are the true benefactors of society are those that are able to keep their minds on one thing, and do that thing well. I said it yesterday that I know that it's really those people who are very oriented to one thing, and are not necessarily that receive the the most recognition. Now lets try to relate that to life as we know it. I play first person shooters. Correct me if I'm wrong. Isn't it the people that play shooters really well that get to go to big tourneys, and make money? What if they like to read? What if they are good at sports? None of that matters, because in the context of working at something, and becoming good at it, if you are good at it that's all that matters. To be good at something that needs focus, you need to put all other things out of your mind. I know that you fear becoming some sort of linear thinker - becoming someone who only sees a few certain things in the world, and has other things pass him by, but by trying to get everything, you are losing what society is trying to provide for you that gives you greater powers of observation. We are on an abstract tangent here. What I'm trying to say, is that in trying to preserve your impartial point of view of the world, you are not allowing yourself to become fully engrossed in something, because you fear it will dominate  your way of thinking. Perhaps this comes back to religion. Of course we don't want to get into that because we've been down that road before, but you need to come out of the box more, and you need to do it more frequently then just times that you are trying to procrastinate. You have a lot of potential, and you've been gaining strength and momentum, but you are allowing your (what you think is a broad view of things, while being impartial) point of view of the world, with your pessimism, to get in the way of your success. Not just that, you are holding on to old habits that are sucking up all your spare time, because it distracts you from reality. I'm really not sure what to say here. You're just sitting here, writing a small book, first time blogging, and here I am, just waiting to see what you will come up with next. You need a freaking life man. You are trying to get out, you are trying to meet new people. You are trying to become a better academic. When was the last time you watched or read the news? When was the last time you read a book that wasn't part of a series that you enjoying gaming with? When was the last time . . . well, I guess for traveling, you did do that last summer. What else did you do? Oh yeh, 6 hours of computer games a night. I must say, that is fairly impressive, that you were able to blow that much time on a video game. Of course that isn't uncommon for you. Now, I'm noticing that you pretty much just separated your consciousness from your body. Inna way that might be a good thing, cause I can see myself looking down at your hands, as they type out these words, and you're doing pretty well. You are capable. You honestly don't give yourself enough credit sometimes. In fact, quite frequently. Good idea, better get that keyboard forwards so you won't develop carpel tunnel syndrome. It's kind of funny. Here you are, sitting, writing, spending relatively valuable time, letting your thoughts empty onto this computer screen, rather then studying. Here's an interesting question. Which one would actually benefit you more? You've been prattling on for, oh, about 20 minutes now. How long do you sit at the table, and stare off into space getting nothing done? Here's another question. How important is it to you that these words actually get read by someone else? Does it matter to you? Or does it matter that you just get the words out. I remember the last message that you sent to juni, and you said that a big reason you wrote so much detail was because you had to get the words out of your head, because it allowed you to have a better perspective on the world. What about with school. The information starts outside of your head. Then you just gotta cycle it through . . . I wonder how people start another sentence after doing those three dot things. I wonder, I wonder, I wonder. There seems to be a lot of wondering going on. It is curious now - since I'm said so much now, does this mean that I will feel more inclined to shut up later on, or does this open the floodgates? I can understand now how people can sit in front of a computer, or type writer, and just keep going. It's because they are letting their thoughts out, and peoples brains are great at making up shit. Well, that sounds rather degrading. How about this. See how you are able to concentrate after this - how much info you can take in from your school work - then report back to me. Sound fair? It is fair. Till next time . . .